Just how bad do you want it?

"When you want to succeed as bad as you want to BREATHE, then you'll be successful..."

Let it be known that this is one of my favorite motivational videos. Some mornings I will play it on my phone as I'm getting ready for work. The idea of success spans beyond wanting to achieve fitness goals, it's applicable to all aspects of life that you want to improve upon.

For me, it usually makes me want to work out & give it my all. Hope it inspires someone here. :)

Day #14

Okay. So I'm posting again today. (That would make this the second day!)

And that. is. awesome. 

Small victories, people. At the moment, I am watching a documentary on human emotions as I post this. Today was a really easy workout. But before that, let's do some more background info. 

I officially started my fitness journey January of 2011. From that time to present day, I ran through the INSANITY program from Beachbody 2.5 times. I did one hybrid month of my own, made it through 1.5 months of P90X, before I moved into the city and my workout group fell apart, and ran through 1 full round of Insanity: The Asylum....

Which is where we are now. I started a new round of The ASYLUM!

I may or may not have skipped a day in between, but I always did the workouts the next day. I've never  knocked a day off the calendar without having done the work for that day. I'm on a roll right now, sotospeak. Today is actually Day #14 of my program. :) It was "Relief" today, which is essentially the easiest workout, as it is a 23 minute stretching video, versus the other 45-59 minute videos of hard core sports intervals. 

In any case. I've also decided to do the 14-day diet plan that came along with the program. Now, I bought this set of DVDs for myself for my birthday last year, so I have a "legit" copy of everything. Even so, I seem to have misplaced the paper pamphlet of the meal plan..... Luckily for me, I'm weird and like to compartmentalize things by making lists. At some point in the backseat of a co-workers car on the way to work (oh, how I miss the carpool days sometimes) I hand wrote everything from that pamphlet into a tiny personal notebook. 

So. I am going by this tiny book for my meals for the next 12 days. (Today is Day #2 of the diet) 

I may start taking photos of what I'm eating so I can post them here. 

While there are many options for each meal  (above is a photo of the tiny paperback book I lost), I have chosen to just do the same set of meals each day. Now, I know that this may be boring. however I am lazy and have no desire to cook a plethora of different tasting foods. I more or less, chose the simplest meals and those are what I will be eating in the next few weeks or so. 

There are really simple principles behind the meal plan. Drink Water and lots of it. No Alcohol, eat every few hours (which is kind of hard considering my work schedule), etc... and a few other things that escape me right now... 

Anywho. This blog is to help me stay accountable. So here it goes. I totally cheated on my diet today and yesterday. I had some chocolates (today they were at work near the front desk) and yesterday, I had some tiny m&ms that my sister left at my apartment from this weekend. 

So. I kind of suck. But, it's not like I'm going to throw myself under the bus for it. I'm just going to do better & NOT eat chocolate tomorrow. And I understand that if your body is craving something, it is for one of two reasons: 1-your body is craving nutrients that it needs or 2-your body is craving bad things it has become accustomed and possibly addicted to (like processed sugars, fatty foods etc)

When you start seeing the photos of what I'm eating as meals, perhaps it will make better sense. 

Anywho.  Since this is a safe place (I mean, I'm putting it all over the internet. If I was going to be offended by what people thought or said about me, I'd keep my thoughts to myself, lol)

When I started the morning of yesterday, Monday July 16- I weighed (much to my disgust) 180.8 lbs.

 :(

It's okay, because I'm taking steps to change myself. It is very discouraging to see that number, especially when about a month and a half of so ago, I woke up one Saturday afternoon (completely dehydrated after having had a sex and alcohol filled debaucherous Friday night) and weighed myself & the numbers 165 appeared. :/ Now, I know it was because I wasn't eating right, I was stressed for a few different reasons, and I was completely and utterly lacking in essential H2O... 

Anyway. 

Back to the present. This morning, the numbers on the scale were : 178.0 (hooray!) Perhaps it was the absolutely amazing strength workout I had the night before. Or the fact that I had consumed at least 3000mL of water while at work. Or maybe, it was because I tried really hard to follow the meal plan the day prior. I guess in the morning, I will find out; depending on what the scale says then...

Now, I know that it's not necessarily the number on the scale that matters. I know that I don't want to "lose weight," so much as I want to lose body fat. If I'm 150 pounds, but I'm 10-12% body fat, I'd say that's pretty awesome. I don't want to be thin, I want to be fit, damn it. :) I don't want to be skinny, I want to be strong. :)

Well.

I think I'm going to shower now & call it a night.

Cheers

I want to be pretty too...

So this is the skinny:

I, like most people peruse Pinterest and similar sites for inspiration, or merely out of boredom. More often than not, I find myself posting a million photos of rock-hard abs, women running, and inspirational motivating verses. 

Which, don't get me wrong - is a great way to pass the time. 

I often come across post/pins of amazing "Before & After" stories and the people behind them. 

They are amazing people with wonderful transformation stories behind them. There are always a  slew of "before" photos, followed with a page on where they started and ultimately ending with they're *fabulous* "after" pictures. 

Perhaps my timing is very off on most every occasion; but I can never seem to find a blog (or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days) that is in the *middle* of this amazing body transformation. I want to see the "during" photos, day by day, step by step, and the proof of the struggle that happened between the start and the ending point. 

I want to know that these people struggled each day to work out and commit themselves to getting better versions of themselves. I want to know that continuing to workout and eat clean day in and day out, even if you see little to no change each day is something that is a struggle for people other than myself. I want to know that these people didn't just wake up one morning and were miraculously fit & fabulous!

So.

I finally got off my lazy ass and decided to start my own journey and document it. I understand this might take a little background information for any of this to have any kind of meaning. It's okay. If you've got the time, trust me, I'm not a shy person. 

Background....

Let's start with the whole "I've always been a big girl, even as a young child," which - as cliche as it sounds, is completely true! I was one of 4 children. My sisters were well endowed up top, great figures, and grew up as very attractive young ladies. My brother, being the only boy, was the apple of my father's eye - but also lean. Christina, however, received all the awkward fat genes from her father's side. (Don't worry, I'll post embarrassing baby photos to ensure the truth is out there)

I secretly told myself I was proof that God indeed, had a sense of humor! :) Tiny boobs, wide child-bearing hips, and an audacious personality that lead me to be the most inappropriate in public situations. 

In any case, after a 6 year long relationship that lasted from the time I was 14 (and a freshman in highschool) until the time I was a 20 year-old sophomore in college, I found myself cheated on, single, and completely unhappy with myself. When you get to that "comfortable" stage in a relationship, you'd be surprised just how far you let yourself go. I want to say in that time I was in that relationship, I gained about 70 some odd pounds. In highschool, the smallest I remember being was about 160-170 pounds. Which, I know doesn't sound "small," but when you're pushing 220+ in college, let me tell you - 180 looks like an unattainable dream. 

Let's share a fat moment! This is me and a friend of mine in college (I'm on the left) Who knows what I weighed at the time, but I was fat and unhappy. I know at some point in college, I decided to weight myself and as it turns out, I was pushing 240+ 

Scary, huh? I'm only 5'6, but even so - that weight didn't quite have enough room to be spread evenly without looking awkward as all hell. :P

Let's share some more awkward fat college photos, shall we?

Definitely pushing 240+ here. It was a formal for marching band (ah, the truth comes out, I was a marching band nerd for most of highschool and college) I still have this dress, and one day I'd like to take my final "after" photo in it. :)

In any case.

My weightloss/fitness journey started when a group of friends in college (which I affectionately referred to as "English Major Household" the men in the house anyway) decided to try a round of P90X. After about a week or so, the girls in the house decided to start their own workout program and started their own round of Power 90, the predecessor to the infamous in-home fitness training program. 

Seeing as how these were people I was comfortable with, I asked if I could join in on their fitness journey. They kindly obliged. Myself and the girl pictured in the first photograph decided to start with English Majors and kick Power 90 program in the ass! My friend lasted one workout. The rest of us kept it going about a month or so, before one of the guys in the P90X group had some back injuries that stopped him from continuing with the program. 

Oddly enough, when my friends boyfriend could no longer workout, our entire group fell apart. 

I workout out by myself from then on, with the new inspiration to strive for better for myself. :) 

I hit the gym hard core. For every night I went out drinking with my roommate, I told myself I had to spend atleast an hour in the gym. For every hour I raided (Yes, I played World of Warcraft in college, as well) I told myself I needed to spend atleast one hour in the gym. 

It was a pretty good system that I used to keep myself in check with not being lazy. And more or less "earning" to do things I wanted by paying for it with hours in the gym. I was doing really well and got myself down to right around 200 lbs. 

Then...

Then for some strange reason, with my newfound confidence at having lost a good bit of weight through the sheer stubbornness of not letting my body leave the gym until it had earned that right; I started dating someone. 

More or less, the 8 months or so I spent dating this guy were a learning and a growing experience. My first relationship after my 6-year long mess. I got comfortable again. I stopped working out. I kept eating like crap. Oh, and this guy cooked and hated exercising. So...

Unfortunately for me, I would up at around 230 by the time I graduated college. One step forward, and 10 steps back, it seems. 

In any case, I got my degree, that relationship ended, and then I moved to Maryland to be with my sister. I was unemployed until about October after I graduated (in May). Late one night, I was watching an infomercial for fitness programs. I saw P90X and was reminded of my friends in college. Then I saw a new program I had never seen before: INSANITY.

I joked with my sister that I should buy it for us. She said if I did, she would do the program with me. So, I hopped onto Ebay and bought myself a set of these crazy workout dvds. We started with one of her friends in the basement one weekend. We got 3 days into it before we all called a quits.

It was not until 2 or so many months later, when I really took a good look at myself during Christmas, that I realized just how unhappy I was with my physical appearance....

I am on the far right. My sisters and their children are to the right of me. It was this photo that made me realize that if I ever wanted to see a change, I would actually have to *do* something about it. Here began my New Year's Resolution for 2011. I was going to lose weight and get fit, damn it. And INSANITY was going to get me there. 

New Year's Resolution Time. Jan 2011.

Still Jan 2011.

April 2011, trip to NYC with the ex of 6 years.

Some time around May 2011. There may be some changes, I'm not sure. I never really tracked my weightloss like I should have....

June-ish 2011. Finally, I can see some kind of results! :) I went hiking in Tennessee for the first time with a friend of mine from work. 

July 2011, I was feeling confident & decided to pose in my one piece. 

October 2011 - Halloween. Does this shirt look familiar?

December 2011. Beginning of the year start weight: 228. By December I was down to 174

By the middle of January 2012, I was around 171 (right on the cusp of getting out of the 170s!!!) just in time for my work Holiday Party. 

Sadly. It is now July 2012 & my weight has gone up the 178-180-ish range. :( 

Which brings me to why I started this blog.

I need to keep myself accountable. I have a support group through the beachbody website, and on facebook, where I can talk about what I'm doing, about my workouts, my struggles, etc. But somehow, I just lost most of my motivation and my ultimate driving force behind what I was doing...

My body is getting more fit, and "better," but I'm just not where I need to be yet. I started and stopped my normal workout programs. I got bored. I started drinking more in excess (and alcohol has SO MANY wasted calories!) I slept with a few guys randomly and got my head all in a tizzy and stressed about ridiculous things that have little to no meaning. 

I lost myself, essentially. 

So...

Here I am now. I'm making this blog as a means to keep myself accountable to myself. Each and every day that I work out, I will post in this blog to mark my progress and my struggles and my every day thoughts with the whole process. :)

If you would like to follow and perhaps comment with your own struggles, I am more than willing to listen and perhaps offer some kind of support? :)

Well. That's all I've got folks. 

Until tomorrow. Then we'll get into specifics with the workouts and what day in the workout calendar I'm on!

Cheers!

<3 Christina